i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
he had hair everywhere except his balls
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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