Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
