Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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