dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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