my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
