just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
