I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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