I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
