That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
