i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
