Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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