Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
