those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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