happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize