oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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