I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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