I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
