take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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