I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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