I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
40s are totally the cure
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
