I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
