my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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