Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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