I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Randomize
