Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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