He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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