You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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