I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
