So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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