when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
