i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
