Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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