The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
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