sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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