i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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