I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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