Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
