I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
