I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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