I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
