so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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