Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize