another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
