Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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