I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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