How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
