There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
