I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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