he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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