Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
