I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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