It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
