i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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