it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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