she woke up with a sticky ear
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
