Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She told me I should be a condom model.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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