Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I feel like abortions should bother me more
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
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