We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
