I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
