Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
