I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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