At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
