Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
