if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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