Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
