I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize